Channel Surfing at nearly 1 AM
I think my eyes are burning.
So Halloween H20 isn’t really doing it for me right now and I am looking for something else to watch. As much as I love the fact that Kevin Williamson (of Scream and Dawson’s Creek fame) wrote this particularly entertaining chapter of the murderous Michael Meyers, this ain’t hittin the spot at the moment. So I channel surf. Clearly there’s nothing on television at the moment. Pretty much what’ve I seen earlier. I see that Starship Troopers 2 is coming on soon. I decide to check it out. I’ve always wanted to see it being that the original is secretly one of my favorite movies as cheesy as it was. As my headphones are blasting 17 Days by Prince (on repeat for the gazillionth time) I see it. In a fit of unmitigated rigidity in my channel-up finger, I couldn’t move. In the channel guide sits the horror movie of all horror movies: Emmanuelle vs. Dracula. I have now seen it all folks. And wouldn’t you know it – it’s on Skin-emax! For those of you not familiar with Skin-emax (which is basically what you call the late-night soft-core porn movies Cinemax shows after midnight) this one in particular is stupid movies based on a female sexpot named Emmanuelle. These movies are typically horribly acted, very bad use of lighting, wind machines, insane amounts of sheer sheets and canopy beds in every scene. She’s never the same woman, because this is one of the oldest movie franchises spanning about 30 some odd years. And look this one was done in 2004. That’s what’s really scary about it.
I can’t see much of a plot at this point. Right now Emmanuelle is fingering herself dreaming of being invaded by the Dark Prince and his vampire brides licking her nipples. I’m still waiting for Starship Troopers 2, so I’m watching this horrible movie to see what it’s about. I’ve never seen Erotic-Horror before. LOL. As I watch, I realize that there is a plot after all. So far there’s a bunch of hot women who haven’t quite made the transition to hardcore porn yet and there’s a shape-shifting Dracula, but not the bat changing, or mist-forming, or wolf-turning Dracula only the different-guy face Dracula we’ve read about so many times. And Emmanuelle’s best friend is having a bachelorette party. Oh wow and look who mysteriously shows up at the door, but Dracula - whose main power in this movie appears to bring out the ladies inner-lesbian. Dracula tells a story to the ladies about two-women and how be brought out their hidden desire to be with each other. The women begin to be seduced by him. One girl even has a dream and orgasms without him touching her. The others are into it, but oh not Emmanuelle. Apparently, Dracs wants to seduce them all and turn them into his vampire brides, which is standard Dark Prince MO. He turns her girlfriend into a vampire and she seduces the other girls into their hidden desires – guess what they are? – being with each other obviously! And somehow they get hotter, go crazy with the eyeliner and go over the top with the hair-styling gel once they become vampires. Here we get the plot twist. Dracs is in town because Emmanuelle’s adventures surpass his own. She is no ordinary woman to him. Meanwhile, all of her girlfriends have turned into vampires. So who will stop this madness? You know who. With Emmanuelle, being the natural seductress she is, she sets out to stop Dracula, and being he’s a natural seducer as well, he’s challenged by her and will stop at nothing until she’s his. Armed with kitchen utensils such as butter knives formed into crosses, wooden spoons for stakes and holy water (mind you she hasn’t left the house. How’d she get the holy water I don’t know), Emmanuelle sets out to destroy the Dark Prince of Lesbians. What the fuck?!
Needless to say, with all the tits and ass shown and the rampant girl on girl action, we know who their core demographic is for this puppy. But what man is into soft-core porn when there’s good real porn all over the place with actual penetration?! And I know this is a male targeted movie, due to one funny scene so far. A few strippers are called to the party dressed as police officers. Both have really nice bodies and when the stripping commences and the tight undergarments are shown, we have a frontal shot of the guys, but no crotch shots at all. All of the ladies heads are in the way. Carefully placed like the fucking vase blocking the blowjob during normal soft-core porn scenes. I was outraged! If I am going to sit through this, at least give me crotch shots! LOL You barely see male parts in this movie. Maybe an ass shot here and there. Clearly, the makers of the movie didn’t want to make the men watching it to feel inadequate from looking at the strippers, because Dracula isn’t even hot either.
So yeah – I’ve watched so much of this stupid movie now…. I’ve missed the movie I originally wanted to see. Damn you Skin-emax! Damn you! Luckily, Cabin Fever is coming on. I can erase this bad movie with an entirely different one.
So Halloween H20 isn’t really doing it for me right now and I am looking for something else to watch. As much as I love the fact that Kevin Williamson (of Scream and Dawson’s Creek fame) wrote this particularly entertaining chapter of the murderous Michael Meyers, this ain’t hittin the spot at the moment. So I channel surf. Clearly there’s nothing on television at the moment. Pretty much what’ve I seen earlier. I see that Starship Troopers 2 is coming on soon. I decide to check it out. I’ve always wanted to see it being that the original is secretly one of my favorite movies as cheesy as it was. As my headphones are blasting 17 Days by Prince (on repeat for the gazillionth time) I see it. In a fit of unmitigated rigidity in my channel-up finger, I couldn’t move. In the channel guide sits the horror movie of all horror movies: Emmanuelle vs. Dracula. I have now seen it all folks. And wouldn’t you know it – it’s on Skin-emax! For those of you not familiar with Skin-emax (which is basically what you call the late-night soft-core porn movies Cinemax shows after midnight) this one in particular is stupid movies based on a female sexpot named Emmanuelle. These movies are typically horribly acted, very bad use of lighting, wind machines, insane amounts of sheer sheets and canopy beds in every scene. She’s never the same woman, because this is one of the oldest movie franchises spanning about 30 some odd years. And look this one was done in 2004. That’s what’s really scary about it.
I can’t see much of a plot at this point. Right now Emmanuelle is fingering herself dreaming of being invaded by the Dark Prince and his vampire brides licking her nipples. I’m still waiting for Starship Troopers 2, so I’m watching this horrible movie to see what it’s about. I’ve never seen Erotic-Horror before. LOL. As I watch, I realize that there is a plot after all. So far there’s a bunch of hot women who haven’t quite made the transition to hardcore porn yet and there’s a shape-shifting Dracula, but not the bat changing, or mist-forming, or wolf-turning Dracula only the different-guy face Dracula we’ve read about so many times. And Emmanuelle’s best friend is having a bachelorette party. Oh wow and look who mysteriously shows up at the door, but Dracula - whose main power in this movie appears to bring out the ladies inner-lesbian. Dracula tells a story to the ladies about two-women and how be brought out their hidden desire to be with each other. The women begin to be seduced by him. One girl even has a dream and orgasms without him touching her. The others are into it, but oh not Emmanuelle. Apparently, Dracs wants to seduce them all and turn them into his vampire brides, which is standard Dark Prince MO. He turns her girlfriend into a vampire and she seduces the other girls into their hidden desires – guess what they are? – being with each other obviously! And somehow they get hotter, go crazy with the eyeliner and go over the top with the hair-styling gel once they become vampires. Here we get the plot twist. Dracs is in town because Emmanuelle’s adventures surpass his own. She is no ordinary woman to him. Meanwhile, all of her girlfriends have turned into vampires. So who will stop this madness? You know who. With Emmanuelle, being the natural seductress she is, she sets out to stop Dracula, and being he’s a natural seducer as well, he’s challenged by her and will stop at nothing until she’s his. Armed with kitchen utensils such as butter knives formed into crosses, wooden spoons for stakes and holy water (mind you she hasn’t left the house. How’d she get the holy water I don’t know), Emmanuelle sets out to destroy the Dark Prince of Lesbians. What the fuck?!
Needless to say, with all the tits and ass shown and the rampant girl on girl action, we know who their core demographic is for this puppy. But what man is into soft-core porn when there’s good real porn all over the place with actual penetration?! And I know this is a male targeted movie, due to one funny scene so far. A few strippers are called to the party dressed as police officers. Both have really nice bodies and when the stripping commences and the tight undergarments are shown, we have a frontal shot of the guys, but no crotch shots at all. All of the ladies heads are in the way. Carefully placed like the fucking vase blocking the blowjob during normal soft-core porn scenes. I was outraged! If I am going to sit through this, at least give me crotch shots! LOL You barely see male parts in this movie. Maybe an ass shot here and there. Clearly, the makers of the movie didn’t want to make the men watching it to feel inadequate from looking at the strippers, because Dracula isn’t even hot either.
So yeah – I’ve watched so much of this stupid movie now…. I’ve missed the movie I originally wanted to see. Damn you Skin-emax! Damn you! Luckily, Cabin Fever is coming on. I can erase this bad movie with an entirely different one.
posted by Dre @ 12:40 AM
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